Vast Sea of Emotion

Monday will be two weeks since my mother passed away. I never thought I could feel so many emotions in such a short span of time. I have laughed, cried, been angry, felt nostalgic and felt nothing at all. I know about the 5 stages of grief. I guess that is what I'm experiencing. But, feeling like a crazy person has me riding a roller coaster on which I really don't want to ride.

There have been moments of laughter. Ah...laughter. My mother loved to laugh. My family has a bit of a dark sense of humor so many would think us awful if they overheard some of the things we have found funny in this situation (and there is no way I will put them all out there for the world to read.) However, I will provide a couple of examples.  So, when my parents chose their mausoleum location years ago, my mother told me she had chosen "heart" level. Her rationale? So I could fling myself in unbearable grief against the wall to mourn her passing and she would be at my heart. Thus, when I went to the cemetery to visit her the first time, I flung myself against the wall and audibly said "you got your way Mother." But, I found it hysterically funny because I could hear her saying "yep, I sure did get my way, like always!" OR, on the night before her visitation we were eating at her house with Daddy. Allison and I had not eaten at her house since she moved back from Georgia a few years ago. We both made mention of that fact. Then, without skipping a beat Allison said "she's in heaven right now saying...great, I had to die to get you to come eat at my house." We howled because that is exactly something she would say. 

I have cried to the point I was sure there wasn't a tear left in me. But more would come. I have cried wondering how we are all supposed to go on without her. I have cried thinking of her absence for the upcoming holidays. I have simply cried for no reason at all.  Seeing her things causes the deepest sense of despair. Not for materialistic reasons but because the plates in her kitchen are the same plates I ate on as a child (yes, they are complete with harvest gold, avocado green and burnt orange fruit in the center). The china in her china cabinet is the same china she used for special occasions most of my life. She loved a pretty home. She was extremely organized and neat. Her things made her house a home. The daunting task of cleaning out her closet is before me.  It may have to wait a minute.

In the days following her death, I found myself angry at everyone who was just going about their lives as if nothing had happened. How dare total strangers continue with their day! Did they not realize the world had lost my mother? Did they not realize the world was supposed to grieve her loss?  Logically, I knew that's not how it goes. But emotionally, I felt everything should just stop (if only for a moment). 

I have felt nostalgic for my childhood. Missing the mother I knew as a little girl. The mother who was my everything. The mother who could fix all the wrongs in my tiny world. The mother that knew exactly what to do in any situation.  Remembering playing in the garden while she and Daddy would tend it. Remembering her putting my hair in a ponytail so tight my eyes would slant. Remembering her teaching me how to twirl my first baton. Remembering her teaching me to cook and take care of a home. 

And then, there's been nothing. A numbness that is almost painful. Not being able to laugh, cry or be mad. Just nothing...

 I have experienced all of these in a second or over the course of a day/days. However, in spite of grief, life continues. As shall I, one moment at a time.